don't cry little emo girl, he still won't love you tomorrow!
i want an emo kid friend. and no, my cousin Chad doesn't count even though Lindsay and i have coined the term "amo" (pronounced: aim-o) and proclaimed Chad as the poster child. i'm talking a living, breathing, skinny jean abusing, side swept bang sporting, full blown emo kid. i want heavy black eye liner, a black studded belt, and Something Corporate blaring from the speakers of a shitty old Ford Fairmont with stickers plastered across the bumper. an added bonus if your myspace display name is something along the lines of "invisible to him" or "lost my love-help me find it"...
does this sound like you? do you know anyone who fits this description? if so, will you/they be my friend?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Friday, December 21, 2007
holy Craigslist, Batman!
below is an actual post i found on Craigslist this morning. while i can understand the need for egg donors, i think it is humorous that the owner of the email address "jewishbaby3@yahoo.com" thinks that his/her organization needs to find Jewish egg donors in order to produce offspring who be raised in the Jewish faith. and i especially love that they consider being an egg donor a part time job...
JEWISH EGG DONORS URGENTLY NEEDED $8,000+
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: jewishbaby3@yahoo.com
Date: 2007-12-21, 8:51AM PST
WE WOULD FEEL INCREDIBLY BLESSED TO HAVE YOUR HELP!
A Jewish Blessing was founded in response to the growing number of requests from infertile Jewish families for help in finding qualified and extraordinary young Jewish women to be their egg donors.
We are currently working with several wonderful couples, with more families reaching out to us every day. So, we are truly in need of your help.
If you are a Jewish woman age 20-32, very responsible, kind and sincere, with a great personality and would consider helping one of these families achieve their dream of becoming parents please email us.... and please pass this forward to friends who might also want to help.
Compensation: $8,000+
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
below is an actual post i found on Craigslist this morning. while i can understand the need for egg donors, i think it is humorous that the owner of the email address "jewishbaby3@yahoo.com" thinks that his/her organization needs to find Jewish egg donors in order to produce offspring who be raised in the Jewish faith. and i especially love that they consider being an egg donor a part time job...
JEWISH EGG DONORS URGENTLY NEEDED $8,000+
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: jewishbaby3@yahoo.com
Date: 2007-12-21, 8:51AM PST
WE WOULD FEEL INCREDIBLY BLESSED TO HAVE YOUR HELP!
A Jewish Blessing was founded in response to the growing number of requests from infertile Jewish families for help in finding qualified and extraordinary young Jewish women to be their egg donors.
We are currently working with several wonderful couples, with more families reaching out to us every day. So, we are truly in need of your help.
If you are a Jewish woman age 20-32, very responsible, kind and sincere, with a great personality and would consider helping one of these families achieve their dream of becoming parents please email us.... and please pass this forward to friends who might also want to help.
Compensation: $8,000+
This is a part-time job.
This is a contract job.
Monday, November 19, 2007
ten reasons why my dad is cooler than yours
1. he spawned me. and Jake.
2. he is a short order cook and will make me anything i want for breakfast on any given day.
3. one time i went to Whole Foods and bought bacon wrapped chicken for him. i called and told him i had a surprise, and that it involved bacon. he asked me if it was bacon wrapped cock.
4. he called me a fag via text message.
5. he still thinks Brittney Spears is a virgin.
6. his new favorite thing is to say "whore", but quickly add a "ssss" sound at the end. people probably think that he is crazy, really likes horses, or a combination thereof.
7. even when he says he is "too full" and will "surely die", he'll still eat everything that's left on his plate - and yours.
8. he regularly quotes Disney's The Jungle Book movie.
9. one time he was trying not to use expletive words so he said, "i don't give a F." but just to make 100% certain i knew what he was trying to convey, he added, "or a U-C-K."
10. i said so.
1. he spawned me. and Jake.
2. he is a short order cook and will make me anything i want for breakfast on any given day.
3. one time i went to Whole Foods and bought bacon wrapped chicken for him. i called and told him i had a surprise, and that it involved bacon. he asked me if it was bacon wrapped cock.
4. he called me a fag via text message.
5. he still thinks Brittney Spears is a virgin.
6. his new favorite thing is to say "whore", but quickly add a "ssss" sound at the end. people probably think that he is crazy, really likes horses, or a combination thereof.
7. even when he says he is "too full" and will "surely die", he'll still eat everything that's left on his plate - and yours.
8. he regularly quotes Disney's The Jungle Book movie.
9. one time he was trying not to use expletive words so he said, "i don't give a F." but just to make 100% certain i knew what he was trying to convey, he added, "or a U-C-K."
10. i said so.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
say it ain't so
i've recently come to the conclusion that i can convince myself that anything is true, no matter how ridiculous it may appear. this is a horrible trait and i must rid myself of this "gift" immediately before i end up in a mental institution. (though some may argue i already belong there...)
for example, on Sunday i went to see Martian Child with Lindsay. as i sat in the theater thinking how cute/ludicrous it was that a child actually believed he was from another planet, my right arm fell asleep. for some reason unbeknown to any logic, my immediate reaction is that i'm having a heart attack. i know, i know - stupid. but i seriously manage to convince myself that i may die right then and there in the movie theater. long after panic had set in, i managed to empower suspension of disbelief and remembered that numbness is a sign of stroke, not heart attack, and clearly i wasn't having a stroke... only an idiot would think i was having a stroke.
my rationale? your guess is as good as mine...
today i'm pretty sure i have a brain aneurysm. go figure.
i've recently come to the conclusion that i can convince myself that anything is true, no matter how ridiculous it may appear. this is a horrible trait and i must rid myself of this "gift" immediately before i end up in a mental institution. (though some may argue i already belong there...)
for example, on Sunday i went to see Martian Child with Lindsay. as i sat in the theater thinking how cute/ludicrous it was that a child actually believed he was from another planet, my right arm fell asleep. for some reason unbeknown to any logic, my immediate reaction is that i'm having a heart attack. i know, i know - stupid. but i seriously manage to convince myself that i may die right then and there in the movie theater. long after panic had set in, i managed to empower suspension of disbelief and remembered that numbness is a sign of stroke, not heart attack, and clearly i wasn't having a stroke... only an idiot would think i was having a stroke.
my rationale? your guess is as good as mine...
today i'm pretty sure i have a brain aneurysm. go figure.
Monday, November 05, 2007
for the love of BCBG
picture this, if you will: it's Saturday morning at 4:50am and i am awake. no, i'm not about to go crash in bed after a night of partying. i'm fumbling around my dark, cold room struggling to get dressed because Hanna will be picking me up in ten minutes. yes, i voluntarily woke up at 4:50am. why, dare you ask? as lame as it may sound, i'm a sucker for sales and the prospect of a $35 BCBG dress that originally retailed for $318 filled me with so much glee that i probably would have pulled an all nighter if that was required... anywho, we rushed to Maria's, stopped at the local Yum Yum Doughnuts, and started our quest.
the sale was located in a giant warehouse in the city of Vernon. what? you don't know where Vernon is? yeah, me neither. in order to paint a clear picture for you, allow me to divulge various findings on the way to, in the city of, and an on the way home...
on the drive to Vernon Maria's GPS told us to take surface streets the entire way there. thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it was 5:00am and no one was looming in the streets (except for the homeless girl who will now be referred to as a "ghost") because i was scared as it was. we passed a Chinese Food/Doughnuts place - weird. and we almost hit ghost who mildly resembled the girl from The Ring.
once we pseudo-safely arrived in Vernon we parked the car right next to a railroad track. sweet. i wonder if there were any dead hookers shoved under the rails... Maria has previously warned us that there would already be a line of bargain hunters outside the warehouse and we didn't believe her. let it be publicly known that i apologized to Maria, for as we approached our destination address it was clear that some people had actually slept outside the front door to guarantee that they'd be let in with the first round of shoppers. the line consisted of people of all shapes an sizes, women AND men, but mostly poorly dressed Asian girls wearing things such as bejeweled jeans and sweaters featuring cats. weird. (*please note i don't believe these people to be a regular sight in Vernon and guarantee no such sightings. please do not send me hate mail stating that you drove up and down the streets without seeing one cat sweater. yes, it was amazing, and no, i didn't take a picture of it.)
skip us rummaging rack after rack of goodies, weaving the shoe and handbag sections and checking out to us in the car making our way to the freeway. (because now it was clearly light out and the odds of us being shot/stabbed/mugged had gone from 30:1 to 2:1) i saw a chicken. what? you heard me. there was a chicken running in the road. (*this may be a typical sight in Vernon, however again, i make no guarantee.) i also saw two puppies frolicking up a four lane street. doesn't anyone keep animals indoors in this city?
fairytale ending is that i indeed purchased a BCBG dress for $35 that originally retailed for $318. all is well. god bless the city of Vernon.
picture this, if you will: it's Saturday morning at 4:50am and i am awake. no, i'm not about to go crash in bed after a night of partying. i'm fumbling around my dark, cold room struggling to get dressed because Hanna will be picking me up in ten minutes. yes, i voluntarily woke up at 4:50am. why, dare you ask? as lame as it may sound, i'm a sucker for sales and the prospect of a $35 BCBG dress that originally retailed for $318 filled me with so much glee that i probably would have pulled an all nighter if that was required... anywho, we rushed to Maria's, stopped at the local Yum Yum Doughnuts, and started our quest.
the sale was located in a giant warehouse in the city of Vernon. what? you don't know where Vernon is? yeah, me neither. in order to paint a clear picture for you, allow me to divulge various findings on the way to, in the city of, and an on the way home...
on the drive to Vernon Maria's GPS told us to take surface streets the entire way there. thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it was 5:00am and no one was looming in the streets (except for the homeless girl who will now be referred to as a "ghost") because i was scared as it was. we passed a Chinese Food/Doughnuts place - weird. and we almost hit ghost who mildly resembled the girl from The Ring.
once we pseudo-safely arrived in Vernon we parked the car right next to a railroad track. sweet. i wonder if there were any dead hookers shoved under the rails... Maria has previously warned us that there would already be a line of bargain hunters outside the warehouse and we didn't believe her. let it be publicly known that i apologized to Maria, for as we approached our destination address it was clear that some people had actually slept outside the front door to guarantee that they'd be let in with the first round of shoppers. the line consisted of people of all shapes an sizes, women AND men, but mostly poorly dressed Asian girls wearing things such as bejeweled jeans and sweaters featuring cats. weird. (*please note i don't believe these people to be a regular sight in Vernon and guarantee no such sightings. please do not send me hate mail stating that you drove up and down the streets without seeing one cat sweater. yes, it was amazing, and no, i didn't take a picture of it.)
skip us rummaging rack after rack of goodies, weaving the shoe and handbag sections and checking out to us in the car making our way to the freeway. (because now it was clearly light out and the odds of us being shot/stabbed/mugged had gone from 30:1 to 2:1) i saw a chicken. what? you heard me. there was a chicken running in the road. (*this may be a typical sight in Vernon, however again, i make no guarantee.) i also saw two puppies frolicking up a four lane street. doesn't anyone keep animals indoors in this city?
fairytale ending is that i indeed purchased a BCBG dress for $35 that originally retailed for $318. all is well. god bless the city of Vernon.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
welcome to my 12-hour detox
i have decided to refrain from engaging in any human contact for the next twelve hours. granted, i will likely sleep through eight of them, but i remain firm in my decision and will feel immense satisfaction once this feat is accomplished. this detox came about for several reasons. allow me to share:
drinking is for losers. or lovers.
i've been spending too much money on alcohol lately. i know, i know. "engaging in any human contact" does not necessarily mean that i have to drink, but knowing myself (and my friends) tonight it really does. and i'm ok with that fact - just not tonight. work has really taken it's toll on me this week, and if i go out i'm 99% sure that i would be blackout drunk by 10:00pm. there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, so it's a tequila shot chased by a Long Island kind of night. no need for another $112 bar tab. locking myself in my house with veggie pad thai and diet coke will suffice.
people are weird. and lame.
if i actually believed in time travel, i would honestly think that i had managed to jump ahead to October 26th because every one is acting like there's a full moon today. i've received the most random series of business and personal phone calls, text messages and emails in no particular order. as a result, i have become reclusive and defensive. thank goodness gracious that Lindsay works tonight not because i don't want to see her, but really for her own sake. i've self diagnosed myself as a complete bitch, so having some time for myself to cool off will allow me to morph back into my giggling, fabulous self.
i'll do what i want. for sure.
enough said.
to efficiently pass the time i have decided to work on my Holiday Card list for this year. yes, i am fully aware that it is October but that only means that December will be right around the corner. besides, i found the most amazing cards today, so i'm still on a mini greeting card high. snail mail is overlooked and under-rated. you don't realize how nice it is to receive something other than a bill or a coupon for Mystic Tan in the mail until you're actually reading it, so i urge you, friends, to send cards via the USPS as often as possible. i don't expect you to join me in the psycho realm of card giving (unless you so choose to with your own free will), but a two dollar folded cut of recycled paper and a 41 cent stamp can really go a long way. i digress.
see you in the a.m.
i have decided to refrain from engaging in any human contact for the next twelve hours. granted, i will likely sleep through eight of them, but i remain firm in my decision and will feel immense satisfaction once this feat is accomplished. this detox came about for several reasons. allow me to share:
drinking is for losers. or lovers.
i've been spending too much money on alcohol lately. i know, i know. "engaging in any human contact" does not necessarily mean that i have to drink, but knowing myself (and my friends) tonight it really does. and i'm ok with that fact - just not tonight. work has really taken it's toll on me this week, and if i go out i'm 99% sure that i would be blackout drunk by 10:00pm. there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, so it's a tequila shot chased by a Long Island kind of night. no need for another $112 bar tab. locking myself in my house with veggie pad thai and diet coke will suffice.
people are weird. and lame.
if i actually believed in time travel, i would honestly think that i had managed to jump ahead to October 26th because every one is acting like there's a full moon today. i've received the most random series of business and personal phone calls, text messages and emails in no particular order. as a result, i have become reclusive and defensive. thank goodness gracious that Lindsay works tonight not because i don't want to see her, but really for her own sake. i've self diagnosed myself as a complete bitch, so having some time for myself to cool off will allow me to morph back into my giggling, fabulous self.
i'll do what i want. for sure.
enough said.
to efficiently pass the time i have decided to work on my Holiday Card list for this year. yes, i am fully aware that it is October but that only means that December will be right around the corner. besides, i found the most amazing cards today, so i'm still on a mini greeting card high. snail mail is overlooked and under-rated. you don't realize how nice it is to receive something other than a bill or a coupon for Mystic Tan in the mail until you're actually reading it, so i urge you, friends, to send cards via the USPS as often as possible. i don't expect you to join me in the psycho realm of card giving (unless you so choose to with your own free will), but a two dollar folded cut of recycled paper and a 41 cent stamp can really go a long way. i digress.
see you in the a.m.
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