say it ain't so
i've recently come to the conclusion that i can convince myself that anything is true, no matter how ridiculous it may appear. this is a horrible trait and i must rid myself of this "gift" immediately before i end up in a mental institution. (though some may argue i already belong there...)
for example, on Sunday i went to see Martian Child with Lindsay. as i sat in the theater thinking how cute/ludicrous it was that a child actually believed he was from another planet, my right arm fell asleep. for some reason unbeknown to any logic, my immediate reaction is that i'm having a heart attack. i know, i know - stupid. but i seriously manage to convince myself that i may die right then and there in the movie theater. long after panic had set in, i managed to empower suspension of disbelief and remembered that numbness is a sign of stroke, not heart attack, and clearly i wasn't having a stroke... only an idiot would think i was having a stroke.
my rationale? your guess is as good as mine...
today i'm pretty sure i have a brain aneurysm. go figure.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
for the love of BCBG
picture this, if you will: it's Saturday morning at 4:50am and i am awake. no, i'm not about to go crash in bed after a night of partying. i'm fumbling around my dark, cold room struggling to get dressed because Hanna will be picking me up in ten minutes. yes, i voluntarily woke up at 4:50am. why, dare you ask? as lame as it may sound, i'm a sucker for sales and the prospect of a $35 BCBG dress that originally retailed for $318 filled me with so much glee that i probably would have pulled an all nighter if that was required... anywho, we rushed to Maria's, stopped at the local Yum Yum Doughnuts, and started our quest.
the sale was located in a giant warehouse in the city of Vernon. what? you don't know where Vernon is? yeah, me neither. in order to paint a clear picture for you, allow me to divulge various findings on the way to, in the city of, and an on the way home...
on the drive to Vernon Maria's GPS told us to take surface streets the entire way there. thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it was 5:00am and no one was looming in the streets (except for the homeless girl who will now be referred to as a "ghost") because i was scared as it was. we passed a Chinese Food/Doughnuts place - weird. and we almost hit ghost who mildly resembled the girl from The Ring.
once we pseudo-safely arrived in Vernon we parked the car right next to a railroad track. sweet. i wonder if there were any dead hookers shoved under the rails... Maria has previously warned us that there would already be a line of bargain hunters outside the warehouse and we didn't believe her. let it be publicly known that i apologized to Maria, for as we approached our destination address it was clear that some people had actually slept outside the front door to guarantee that they'd be let in with the first round of shoppers. the line consisted of people of all shapes an sizes, women AND men, but mostly poorly dressed Asian girls wearing things such as bejeweled jeans and sweaters featuring cats. weird. (*please note i don't believe these people to be a regular sight in Vernon and guarantee no such sightings. please do not send me hate mail stating that you drove up and down the streets without seeing one cat sweater. yes, it was amazing, and no, i didn't take a picture of it.)
skip us rummaging rack after rack of goodies, weaving the shoe and handbag sections and checking out to us in the car making our way to the freeway. (because now it was clearly light out and the odds of us being shot/stabbed/mugged had gone from 30:1 to 2:1) i saw a chicken. what? you heard me. there was a chicken running in the road. (*this may be a typical sight in Vernon, however again, i make no guarantee.) i also saw two puppies frolicking up a four lane street. doesn't anyone keep animals indoors in this city?
fairytale ending is that i indeed purchased a BCBG dress for $35 that originally retailed for $318. all is well. god bless the city of Vernon.
picture this, if you will: it's Saturday morning at 4:50am and i am awake. no, i'm not about to go crash in bed after a night of partying. i'm fumbling around my dark, cold room struggling to get dressed because Hanna will be picking me up in ten minutes. yes, i voluntarily woke up at 4:50am. why, dare you ask? as lame as it may sound, i'm a sucker for sales and the prospect of a $35 BCBG dress that originally retailed for $318 filled me with so much glee that i probably would have pulled an all nighter if that was required... anywho, we rushed to Maria's, stopped at the local Yum Yum Doughnuts, and started our quest.
the sale was located in a giant warehouse in the city of Vernon. what? you don't know where Vernon is? yeah, me neither. in order to paint a clear picture for you, allow me to divulge various findings on the way to, in the city of, and an on the way home...
on the drive to Vernon Maria's GPS told us to take surface streets the entire way there. thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it was 5:00am and no one was looming in the streets (except for the homeless girl who will now be referred to as a "ghost") because i was scared as it was. we passed a Chinese Food/Doughnuts place - weird. and we almost hit ghost who mildly resembled the girl from The Ring.
once we pseudo-safely arrived in Vernon we parked the car right next to a railroad track. sweet. i wonder if there were any dead hookers shoved under the rails... Maria has previously warned us that there would already be a line of bargain hunters outside the warehouse and we didn't believe her. let it be publicly known that i apologized to Maria, for as we approached our destination address it was clear that some people had actually slept outside the front door to guarantee that they'd be let in with the first round of shoppers. the line consisted of people of all shapes an sizes, women AND men, but mostly poorly dressed Asian girls wearing things such as bejeweled jeans and sweaters featuring cats. weird. (*please note i don't believe these people to be a regular sight in Vernon and guarantee no such sightings. please do not send me hate mail stating that you drove up and down the streets without seeing one cat sweater. yes, it was amazing, and no, i didn't take a picture of it.)
skip us rummaging rack after rack of goodies, weaving the shoe and handbag sections and checking out to us in the car making our way to the freeway. (because now it was clearly light out and the odds of us being shot/stabbed/mugged had gone from 30:1 to 2:1) i saw a chicken. what? you heard me. there was a chicken running in the road. (*this may be a typical sight in Vernon, however again, i make no guarantee.) i also saw two puppies frolicking up a four lane street. doesn't anyone keep animals indoors in this city?
fairytale ending is that i indeed purchased a BCBG dress for $35 that originally retailed for $318. all is well. god bless the city of Vernon.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Friday, October 05, 2007
welcome to my 12-hour detox
i have decided to refrain from engaging in any human contact for the next twelve hours. granted, i will likely sleep through eight of them, but i remain firm in my decision and will feel immense satisfaction once this feat is accomplished. this detox came about for several reasons. allow me to share:
drinking is for losers. or lovers.
i've been spending too much money on alcohol lately. i know, i know. "engaging in any human contact" does not necessarily mean that i have to drink, but knowing myself (and my friends) tonight it really does. and i'm ok with that fact - just not tonight. work has really taken it's toll on me this week, and if i go out i'm 99% sure that i would be blackout drunk by 10:00pm. there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, so it's a tequila shot chased by a Long Island kind of night. no need for another $112 bar tab. locking myself in my house with veggie pad thai and diet coke will suffice.
people are weird. and lame.
if i actually believed in time travel, i would honestly think that i had managed to jump ahead to October 26th because every one is acting like there's a full moon today. i've received the most random series of business and personal phone calls, text messages and emails in no particular order. as a result, i have become reclusive and defensive. thank goodness gracious that Lindsay works tonight not because i don't want to see her, but really for her own sake. i've self diagnosed myself as a complete bitch, so having some time for myself to cool off will allow me to morph back into my giggling, fabulous self.
i'll do what i want. for sure.
enough said.
to efficiently pass the time i have decided to work on my Holiday Card list for this year. yes, i am fully aware that it is October but that only means that December will be right around the corner. besides, i found the most amazing cards today, so i'm still on a mini greeting card high. snail mail is overlooked and under-rated. you don't realize how nice it is to receive something other than a bill or a coupon for Mystic Tan in the mail until you're actually reading it, so i urge you, friends, to send cards via the USPS as often as possible. i don't expect you to join me in the psycho realm of card giving (unless you so choose to with your own free will), but a two dollar folded cut of recycled paper and a 41 cent stamp can really go a long way. i digress.
see you in the a.m.
i have decided to refrain from engaging in any human contact for the next twelve hours. granted, i will likely sleep through eight of them, but i remain firm in my decision and will feel immense satisfaction once this feat is accomplished. this detox came about for several reasons. allow me to share:
drinking is for losers. or lovers.
i've been spending too much money on alcohol lately. i know, i know. "engaging in any human contact" does not necessarily mean that i have to drink, but knowing myself (and my friends) tonight it really does. and i'm ok with that fact - just not tonight. work has really taken it's toll on me this week, and if i go out i'm 99% sure that i would be blackout drunk by 10:00pm. there is no light at the end of the tunnel right now, so it's a tequila shot chased by a Long Island kind of night. no need for another $112 bar tab. locking myself in my house with veggie pad thai and diet coke will suffice.
people are weird. and lame.
if i actually believed in time travel, i would honestly think that i had managed to jump ahead to October 26th because every one is acting like there's a full moon today. i've received the most random series of business and personal phone calls, text messages and emails in no particular order. as a result, i have become reclusive and defensive. thank goodness gracious that Lindsay works tonight not because i don't want to see her, but really for her own sake. i've self diagnosed myself as a complete bitch, so having some time for myself to cool off will allow me to morph back into my giggling, fabulous self.
i'll do what i want. for sure.
enough said.
to efficiently pass the time i have decided to work on my Holiday Card list for this year. yes, i am fully aware that it is October but that only means that December will be right around the corner. besides, i found the most amazing cards today, so i'm still on a mini greeting card high. snail mail is overlooked and under-rated. you don't realize how nice it is to receive something other than a bill or a coupon for Mystic Tan in the mail until you're actually reading it, so i urge you, friends, to send cards via the USPS as often as possible. i don't expect you to join me in the psycho realm of card giving (unless you so choose to with your own free will), but a two dollar folded cut of recycled paper and a 41 cent stamp can really go a long way. i digress.
see you in the a.m.
Friday, September 21, 2007
narcolepsy is for lovers
Hanna and i went to dinner tonight and of course we fought over who got to pay the bill. then we went to Starbucks and yet again we fought over who got to pay the bill. i swear if i wasn't just at her wedding i would swear that we were married.
speaking of which, though, why do my friends suddenly feel the need to go off and get married?
i hope she makes it home without falling asleep at the wheel. i hear she's gone narcoleptic on me...
Hanna and i went to dinner tonight and of course we fought over who got to pay the bill. then we went to Starbucks and yet again we fought over who got to pay the bill. i swear if i wasn't just at her wedding i would swear that we were married.
speaking of which, though, why do my friends suddenly feel the need to go off and get married?
i hope she makes it home without falling asleep at the wheel. i hear she's gone narcoleptic on me...
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
conjunction junction, what's your function
as i was browsing the obsolete yet absolutely necessary online community, myspace, i opened up a bulletin posted by a friend who shall for his/her own security remain nameless. i'm not going to lie, i was mildly excited at the prospect of this bulletin because written in the subject line it was disclosed that the post was a survey. well... i'm at work on a Friday afternoon with a pile upon pile cascaded across my desk. in two hours i'll be heading to Vegas - of course i'd fill out a freaking survey right now. duh...
disappointment can't even convey what i felt when i realized it was a "sex" survey. a would-you-do-this-or-would-you-do-that-with-me kind of deal. if i was a thirteen year old inbred slut from Kentucky, i'd probably be re-posting that shit right now. but instead i'm writing to all of you educated folk specifically to inform you that one of the questions read: Would you do foreplay with me?
WHAT?!!
let's fucking think about that one more time - would you DO foreplay with me? um... i don't know. would you do conversation with me? it's bad enough that people feel the need to casually toss "let's do lunch!" in every day normal conversation, but when did that become the norm when referring to sexual acts, too? what is this sick, sad world coming to? i'm distraught.
viva Las Vegas.
as i was browsing the obsolete yet absolutely necessary online community, myspace, i opened up a bulletin posted by a friend who shall for his/her own security remain nameless. i'm not going to lie, i was mildly excited at the prospect of this bulletin because written in the subject line it was disclosed that the post was a survey. well... i'm at work on a Friday afternoon with a pile upon pile cascaded across my desk. in two hours i'll be heading to Vegas - of course i'd fill out a freaking survey right now. duh...
disappointment can't even convey what i felt when i realized it was a "sex" survey. a would-you-do-this-or-would-you-do-that-with-me kind of deal. if i was a thirteen year old inbred slut from Kentucky, i'd probably be re-posting that shit right now. but instead i'm writing to all of you educated folk specifically to inform you that one of the questions read: Would you do foreplay with me?
WHAT?!!
let's fucking think about that one more time - would you DO foreplay with me? um... i don't know. would you do conversation with me? it's bad enough that people feel the need to casually toss "let's do lunch!" in every day normal conversation, but when did that become the norm when referring to sexual acts, too? what is this sick, sad world coming to? i'm distraught.
viva Las Vegas.
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