ten reasons why my dad is cooler than yours

1. he spawned me. and Jake.
2. he is a short order cook and will make me anything i want for breakfast on any given day.
3. one time i went to Whole Foods and bought bacon wrapped chicken for him. i called and told him i had a surprise, and that it involved bacon. he asked me if it was bacon wrapped cock.
4. he called me a fag via text message.
5. he still thinks Brittney Spears is a virgin.
6. his new favorite thing is to say "whore", but quickly add a "ssss" sound at the end. people probably think that he is crazy, really likes horses, or a combination thereof.
7. even when he says he is "too full" and will "surely die", he'll still eat everything that's left on his plate - and yours.
8. he regularly quotes Disney's The Jungle Book movie.
9. one time he was trying not to use expletive words so he said, "i don't give a F." but just to make 100% certain i knew what he was trying to convey, he added, "or a U-C-K."
10. i said so.

say it ain't so

i've recently come to the conclusion that i can convince myself that anything is true, no matter how ridiculous it may appear. this is a horrible trait and i must rid myself of this "gift" immediately before i end up in a mental institution. (though some may argue i already belong there...)

for example, on Sunday i went to see Martian Child with Lindsay. as i sat in the theater thinking how cute/ludicrous it was that a child actually believed he was from another planet, my right arm fell asleep. for some reason unbeknown to any logic, my immediate reaction is that i'm having a heart attack. i know, i know - stupid. but i seriously manage to convince myself that i may die right then and there in the movie theater. long after panic had set in, i managed to empower suspension of disbelief and remembered that numbness is a sign of stroke, not heart attack, and clearly i wasn't having a stroke... only an idiot would think i was having a stroke.

my rationale? your guess is as good as mine...

today i'm pretty sure i have a brain aneurysm. go figure.

for the love of BCBG

picture this, if you will: it's Saturday morning at 4:50am and i am awake. no, i'm not about to go crash in bed after a night of partying. i'm fumbling around my dark, cold room struggling to get dressed because Hanna will be picking me up in ten minutes. yes, i voluntarily woke up at 4:50am. why, dare you ask? as lame as it may sound, i'm a sucker for sales and the prospect of a $35 BCBG dress that originally retailed for $318 filled me with so much glee that i probably would have pulled an all nighter if that was required... anywho, we rushed to Maria's, stopped at the local Yum Yum Doughnuts, and started our quest.

the sale was located in a giant warehouse in the city of Vernon. what? you don't know where Vernon is? yeah, me neither. in order to paint a clear picture for you, allow me to divulge various findings on the way to, in the city of, and an on the way home...

on the drive to Vernon Maria's GPS told us to take surface streets the entire way there. thank Jesus, Mary and Joseph that it was 5:00am and no one was looming in the streets (except for the homeless girl who will now be referred to as a "ghost") because i was scared as it was. we passed a Chinese Food/Doughnuts place - weird. and we almost hit ghost who mildly resembled the girl from The Ring.

once we pseudo-safely arrived in Vernon we parked the car right next to a railroad track. sweet. i wonder if there were any dead hookers shoved under the rails... Maria has previously warned us that there would already be a line of bargain hunters outside the warehouse and we didn't believe her. let it be publicly known that i apologized to Maria, for as we approached our destination address it was clear that some people had actually slept outside the front door to guarantee that they'd be let in with the first round of shoppers. the line consisted of people of all shapes an sizes, women AND men, but mostly poorly dressed Asian girls wearing things such as bejeweled jeans and sweaters featuring cats. weird. (*please note i don't believe these people to be a regular sight in Vernon and guarantee no such sightings. please do not send me hate mail stating that you drove up and down the streets without seeing one cat sweater. yes, it was amazing, and no, i didn't take a picture of it.)

skip us rummaging rack after rack of goodies, weaving the shoe and handbag sections and checking out to us in the car making our way to the freeway. (because now it was clearly light out and the odds of us being shot/stabbed/mugged had gone from 30:1 to 2:1) i saw a chicken. what? you heard me. there was a chicken running in the road. (*this may be a typical sight in Vernon, however again, i make no guarantee.) i also saw two puppies frolicking up a four lane street. doesn't anyone keep animals indoors in this city?

fairytale ending is that i indeed purchased a BCBG dress for $35 that originally retailed for $318. all is well. god bless the city of Vernon.