near death experience

if it wasn't bad enough that i was trying to recover from Martha Luther King Day festivities, i'm pretty sure i almost died today.

some how 2:00pm rolled around and i realize that i haven't eaten anything yet. one fell swoop, hunger hit me like a freight train. nothing in the house seemed to satiate my famine, so i set out on a mission. the destination of my mission was unclear, but one thing was crystal - i need to eat.

i'm cruising down Washington. i pass Frankie and Johnny's and am inevitably heading to In-N-Out for a grilled cheese when dizziness erupts in my head like a beer that's been left in the freezer too long. instead of hunger pains shooting through my body, i now feel nauseous and, well, terrible to put it plainly. for sure i'm not even going to make it the extra 5 or 6 blocks to In-N-Out. i make a very illegal, erratic U-turn and speed toward home. "do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars," i say to myself. "for the love of whatever God i don't believe in, please let me make it home."

i pull onto Fleet Street, park like an asshole and run straight to my bed. lying down doesn't seem to help. i still feel like i'm going to vomit and the dizziness i experienced earlier has progressed to horrible shooting pains throughout my head. the silence that is my room isn't helping much, either, so i turn on my tv hoping a little background noise will calm my senses. no such luck. instead, an awful soap opera is on and all any of the characters on the show seem to do is scream; be it a high pitched i'm on a roller coaster having the time of my life scream, or the i know you're cheating on me come out of your lover's closet so i can slap you across the face kind of scream, they were screaming like there was no tomorrow. and at that moment in time, i really felt like there was no tomorrow.

lucky for me, i see Nikki walking down the hall so i scream (politely) for her to get me Advil. at this point Danielle has heard all of the commotion and she and Dave the dog are now in my room (bed for that matter) assessing my condition. Nikki, being the darling that she is, not only gets me Advil but makes me a sandwich. Danielle swears i have a fever and i am now wondering why i've never made a will because my head is about to fall off. i eat my sandwich, but still feel like i was thrown around in a hurricane.

an undisclosed amount of time later, i some how for who knows what reason end up at Starbucks. i order my usual and with one sip am almost instantly rejuvenated. that's right folks, i was going through caffeine withdrawals. i (inadvertently) tried to quit coffee today. really, i was just super busy with work and never made it out the door to Starbucks (or even to the kitchen to make coffee or put any sort of victuals in my body.)

so the morals of the story are, i can (a) never quit coffee and (b) never start doing heroin.