last published on August 6, 2009

ever since i can remember, interests have flown in and out, and back in and out of my life. much like the water cycle, after evaporation and condensation run their course, it's inevitably going to rain again. for example, when i was in third grade, i was really into horses - so much so that everyday at recess and lunch Kimmie McAllister and i would prance around on all fours and pretend that we actually were horses. then all of a sudden, one day after finishing my peanut butter and honey sandwich i decided i wanted to walk upright again, and alas, was no longer a horse. years later, i rekindled my love for the hoofed mammals, but seeing as i was older and wiser at this point, chose to ride one instead of be one. i was convinced that my calling in life was to be part of the equestrian community. every chance i could, i went riding - shit, i even went to horse camp (for lack of a better term) that summer. and then once school started again in the fall, horses were quickly replaced by other things like YM magazine, friendship bracelets, and boys.

the same revolving door policy does not apply to my personal relationships. my friends who are near and dear to me are in my world for a very specific reason: because i want them there. now don't get me wrong, i definitely have a list of people who i don't see often enough, or who have moved far, far away but at the end of the day, the space i set aside for them in my heart remains constant. fuck me over, and that's a different story... which leads me to past lovers, if you will.

when it comes to exes, i've never been one to "want to go to horse camp" after a relationship, romantic in nature, has run it's course. once i'm done, i'm done. sometimes i'm over it for a very specific, valid reason, and sometimes i simply "don't feel it" anymore. reasons aside, i'm not a friends with exes kind of gal. never have been. never will be? eh, this is a concept i'm currently having trouble with. for the first time, i'm experiencing an overwhelming urge to keep in contact with someone i've said "i love you" to, and actually meant it. why now? why him? these are questions i've been grappling with the past week or so, and honestly i'm not sure i'll ever fully be able to answer them. is this a sign of maturity? or a small bout of weakness? whatever it is, i'm not sure i like it very much. i have always been a person who makes a decision and feels good about it - this seems like a lose-lose to me. it's frightening, really. like when you finally admit to yourself that the person you're into could very well be into you, too. like when your parents sat you down and told you Christmas is a holiday invented by Hallmark so that they can sell limited edition holiday ornaments every year.

speaking of which, maybe i'll add a pony to my Christmas wishlist this year. at least some things never change.