things you may not have known before you read this

1. there are four stages of sickness

being sick is a grueling process. let's face it, it doesn't matter if you catch something as simple as a common cold or as volatile as the sars (yes, i just said the sars) feeling under the weather is no bueno. there seems to be a little something going around right now, and having recently entered the beginning of stage four myself, i thought i'd take this time to offer a few words of wisdom to help you and/or your loved ones along.

stage one: blissful ignorance
you feel a little run down but refuse to even consider that you are in pre-sickness mode. physical, mental and emotional exhaustion seep from your every pore, but you blame it on the one too many Ketel tonics that you had the night before, or the vitamins that you forgot to take in the morning. don't be fooled. denial is no one's friend. you are getting sick. do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars, immediately go to your medicine cabinet and take the vitamins you claimed to have forgotten accompanied by some airborne or emergen-C to start fighting this thing head on.

stage two: failure and helplessness
you now know that you are sick. there is no turning back. laying in bed and whining profusely are at the top of your to do list, and it feels like every one around you wishes you weren't there. at the risk of sounding overly cruel, they don't want you there. "i don't want to get sick" maliciously rolls off of the tongues belonging to your friends, roommates, family and co-workers. even the guy at Starbucks doesn't want anything to do with you as he lays your change on the counter rather than putting it directly in your hand. he doesn't want your germs. in fact, he doesn't even want you in his store.

stage three: cynicism and spite
the children's song "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess i'll eat some worms" is now on repeat in your mind. you're grumpy - really grumpy - and you mistake any genuine concern for pity. feeling tossed aside like an outcast, you envelop outcast mode. "if they don't want to be around me, then i'll lock myself in my room and never come out again" becomes a rational thought in your head.
** the only comforting words i can offer are fret not, for most likely all of these people you have encountered will become sick within the next day or two (thanks to you). but when that time comes, you will not mock them. you will not send them disparaging thoughts. you will hope that they recover swiftly, for karma is a bitch, my friend. (fine, i will let you have first 5 minutes - not one more or less - after you learn they have become ill to laugh behind their backs and hope that others treat them with the same disdain that they imposed on you but only because every once in a while vindication is well deserved)

stage four: acceptance and letting go.
the virus inside you is slowly but surely dying. your strength is returning due to the fact that DayQuil (or NyQuil depending on the time of day) has been entering your body like clockwork. you can almost breath out of your nose when you wake up in the morning. congratulations, you fought a hard battle.

your friends start calling you again because they figure they've given you enough time to recuperate and they have missed you and/or your drunken antics. you try to act like you're bitter because a small part of you feels that they left you for dead, but that's only stage three trying to creep back into your life. deep down you really missed them, too. so put on your favorite jeans, go to the Whaler, and have a celebratory Scooby. i promise it will make you feel brand new. if one Scooby turns into 13, and you suddenly feel sick again the next morning, don't be alarmed for we all know that is a completely different kind of sickness. you still have every right to be proud that you conquered your previous ailment and won, but getting over your hang over is a whole other blog...


2. there is nothing better in the world than a bagel special from Abbot's Habit

you may be shaking your head in disapproval because you think there are plenty of things in the world that are better than a bagel special from Abbot's Habit. hear me out, try it, then get back to me.

the preface: one bagel special is too much for one person, so grab a friend - or just make one when you get there - because proportion is key.

the perfect order: one bagel special with lox and a wheat bagel scooped out. one more wheat bagel scooped out with cream cheese. and then a caffeinated beverage of your choice (my recommendation: iced soy latte with two Equals).

the perfect way to construct your bagel layer by layer: cream cheese, red onion, avocado, sprouts. that pretty much fills the "scooped" part of the bagel leaving a perfect canvas to lay the tomato, lox, and then the cucumber on top so that you have something that's not sticky/slimy/gross to hold on to. eat it one half at a time so as to avoid awkward bites or eating too fast. this will also reduce the chances of other people (maybe even the friend you brought or recently made) giving you a funny look as you try to fit the entire height of the bagel plus toppings in your mouth all at once.

the aftermath: complete satisfaction.


3. i love you

ok, so this one is pretty much a given but just in case i haven't told you lately i thought i should throw it out there. i just love you.