how much wood could Abumchuck chuck if Abumchuck could chuck wood?

so last night me, Nix and D managed to stay awake late enough to mosey over to The Good Hurt and see Chad's band play. (they went on at 11:45pm, by the way. who the hell plays at 11:45pm on a Wednesday night?) i've been inside the joint for maybe all of thirty seconds when a large, yet friendly man approaches me. we'll call him Abumchuck (all you Weeds watchers should get it and now know exactly what he looks like). Abumchuck is very nice and offers to buy me a beer, but i've already paid for the one in my hand, and politely tell him, "maybe the next one." Nikki and i stand there and make small talk with him where we learn that he's been in LA for about a week, is staying on his friend's couch, is 31 and from Kentucky. i start to become uncomfortable when he tells me that i look eighteen and he likes that, so i leave Nikki for a brief moment and find Danielle. we giggle about Abumchuck and everything that he stands for but then i go back to Nikki because i feel bad for leaving her all by herself with this oddly jovial fellow. then things just start getting really weird. it becomes clear that Abumchuck has had one too many New Castles (although he prefers Bass on tap. he must have said that about eight hundred thousand times. got it. Bass on tap.) so we both duck out and find Chad who is playing pool.

on our way to the pool table Nikki proceeds to tell me how Abumchuck asked her if i was single. being the great friend that she is, she said yes. thanks, Nix. i'll remember that. i start to get more weirded out as she then tells me he said i was the "perfect height" which she also agreed with. the perfect height to what? stuff into a trunk?!! at this point i begin gulping my beer.

unfortunately for me, The Good Hurt isn't exactly bumping so Abumchuck has no problem spotting us playing pool. he pulls up a chair right next to me and tries to guess my astrological sign. he's apparently awful at guessing so i offer him the answer at which point he tries to tell me that i am nothing at all like a Capricorn (because he knows me so well...) Abumchuck has once again become too much.

i finish my beer. he offers to buy me another. i politely say "no thank you, i'm driving," even though i really do want another beer and am in fact not driving. most of you are probably telling me to just take the free beer, but truth be told i don't want to have to talk to this guy for another minute - another second, for that matter. he’s too creepy and annoying. i want it to be over. "please go away Abumchuck, please..." i say over and over in my head hoping that some how he'll subliminally get the message. but he's not getting the message. and then comes the icing on the cake. he puts his arm around me, pulls me awkwardly close and says "if i were going to the North Pole, i would definitely take you with me." what? what the fuck does that even mean? "thank you," is all i can manage to mutter. he still has his arm around me. he's so large i feel at any moment my life could be compromised if he so chose to squeeze me a bit tighter - Abumchuck could very well break me in two. i'm starting to feel panicky and some how manage to wriggle myself from his grip. i don't turn back to look at him as i run away.

in other exciting news, i just bit off all of my fingernails. not really sure why. some people call it a nervous habit. i'm not nervous for any reason at the current moment. it just seemed like a fun thing to do, i guess. more fun than work at least...